i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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