i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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