The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I need a beard to bite.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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