Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
