you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
