YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
