You just made me feel so damn special
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize