I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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