Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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