Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
