we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
