I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
