I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
