My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
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