lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
