Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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