I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
