Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize