on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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