Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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