idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize