Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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