alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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