sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
