I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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