Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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