I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
