Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
