I swear she didn't look like that last week.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
