insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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