Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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