Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
