FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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