you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
