literally had 100 drinks last night.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
