I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
