Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
