The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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