there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
