The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
