My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
