I would go down on you faster than GM stock
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
