She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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