90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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