if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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