if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
