Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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