from now on my penis is your penis
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
