you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Randomize
