my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize