That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
