Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
