I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
