At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize