I hate all girls vehemently.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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