I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
