She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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