Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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