After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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