i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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