You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
