hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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