Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
