K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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