Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
