The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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