There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
